Monday, September 27, 2004

750,000 Volts for My Birthday

Yesterday was my 29th birthday. I got my first present at 2:30 in the morning. I had been asking Dissaster to taser me with my 750,000 volt stun gun. Why would I want someone to taser me?:
  1. Pain is good; extreme pain is extremely good.
  2. I've always wanted to know what it felt like.
He has declined several times. On Friday, I asked him to taser me for my birthday. He still declined.

Saturday, after going to The Rhino Bar where our friend Shane (a.k.a. "Big Sexy"), owner of Rockstar Productions, was doing karaoke, we went to his house to hang out for a while. Dissaster suggested that I ask Shane for my first birthday present. I asked Shane for my birthday present and he didn't know what I meant. Dissaster explained that I wanted to get tasered for my birthday. Shane, understanding my demented mind, agreed to do it. I pulled out my 750,000 volt stun gun and handed it to him. I was excited! He put the stun gun up against my left shoulder and asked me if I was ready. I smiled and said "Yes". He pulled the trigger and held it down for a couple of seconds. I felt a little charge, but it didn't hurt. When I didn't respond to it, he did it again. It still didn't hurt. Fate said "You didn't even flinch." I said "It didn't hurt." Then Shane tasered me in the butt. I felt that one. I said "Ouch" and jumped. I told him I wanted him to taser me until I went down, but he wouldn't do it. So then I sat down and tasered myself in the thigh a couple of times. Dissaster expressed concern, so I quit.

750,000 volts wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. The shot in the butt hurt a little and I had marks on my shoulder on Sunday morning from where my skin got fried, but it was no big deal. The next time (yes, there will be a next time) I'll have to find someone who is willing to taser me until I go down and stay down.

Monday, September 20, 2004


I started working (Security/"Bouncing") at Shaggy's yesterday. I'm an "alternate" which is cool because my first priority is doing Personal Protection (providing close protection from bodily harm) for Fate & Dissaster. So if I need a Saturday (the day that they are the busiest and need me to work) off (like this Saturday when Fate & Dissaster will be at Club DV8 @ 115 S. W. Temple in S.L.C., UT) it won't be a big deal. I've worked Security at Club Shakers (no longer in business), The Zephyr Club (also no longer in business), Sky Bar, Natalie's (also no longer in business; I was Security Lead there), Manhattan, Banana Joe's (now Club Palms), and Club Utopia. Out of the past 8 years, I've spent 4 years working in Private Clubs ("bars") in Utah. I also did Security for concerts, collegiate and professional sports, the Super Bowl, and the Olympics for 4 years from 1998-2002 while working for C.S.C.

I got posted on the door on Saturday. I've worked the door a lot so it was no big deal. When I tell guys that I work Security at clubs they think it's fun. They think: he's a Bouncer so he gets paid to 1. Beat up guys and 2. Pick up "chicks". They're wrong. That might be the way some "Bouncers" work, but not me. This is what I mean:
  1. Beat up guys-It's not my job to "beat up" guys. My job is to protect the staff and patrons at the club. So, it's my job to prevent and break up fights, not start or escelate fights. Yes, I do have to get "physical" sometimes but I still only use the neccesary force to get the job done. I very rarely have had to throw blows while doing Security. Why? Because A:"An ounce of Prevention is worth a pound of Cure". In other words, if you are aware of a potential problem before it escalates and you deescalate the situation and seperate the parties involved you won't have to deal with a full-blown brawl. B: Your mind and your mouth are your best tools in a confrontation. If you talk to people in a respectful, confident manner they are more likely to cooperate. C: When it comes to removing troublemakers from a club, if you get in trapping range (where most people aren't experienced or skilled) and keep them off-balance (by keeping them moving towards the exit) you probably won't have to exchange blows.
  2. Pick up "chicks"-I'm not at the club to "get laid". P.R. (Public Relations) is part of my job so I don't mind a little bit of converstion/firting. However, girls can become a distraction if you allow them to be. If I get distracted someone could get hurt. I like ladies as much as the next guy, but I really don't think I'm going to find "Mrs. Right" in a club. Why? Because A: Clubs are more or less meat markets (places where people go to "get laid"). So, most people there a looking to get drunk and find a warm body for a one-night stand. Am I saying that all the ladies that go to clubs are sluts? No. I'm just saying that the chances that a girl that I might be interested in getting to know is looking for a relationship (that lasts more than one night) are slim. B: A lot of the attention that a bouncer gets from ladies in a club isn't genuine because: I am a bouncer (this means that ladies think if they flirt with you, show some cleavage, or pretend to be "interested", you will let them skip the line, get in free, or let their under-age friends into the club; they also like the attention) and they are usually intoxicated/drunk (this means that they don't fully comprehend what is going on around them and they might not be as interested in you if they were sober). Call me a pesimist if you want to but I'm just being realistic.
Working in clubs can be fun, don't get me wrong. It doesn't pay what it should but I do it because I like to protect people and I'm good at it. Some of the guys I've worked with have been cool (others have been complete slackers/a**holes). I've met a lot of people over the years. One thing I am tired of is people acting like their my best friends when I see them at the club (because they want to skip the line or get in free). Right now my two best friends are Fate & Dissaster. Best friends are people that you care about, spend a lot of your free time with, can talk about anything with, and are a priority in your life. I don't spend any of my free time with any of the people that I see at clubs so they are either acquaintances (a relationship less intimate than friendship) or strangers (people who are neither a friend nor an acquaintance). So if you don't know me outside of the club (you should at least know my name) and don't talk to me outside of the club, then don't act like we are best friends when you see me at the club. If you do know me, then understand that a lot of people know me and I can't let everyone skip the line or get in free. At Shaggy's I only get 3 guests (people who I invite) each night that I work. So, if you haven't talked to me all week, don't call/show up at 10:30 and expect to get in free.

This post might sound a bit pesimistic but I just wanted to explain how I feel about the club scene and people's perception of me and my job. I do enjoy my job (protecting people) and I am a friendly guy (believe it or not) or I wouldn't be doing it. If I seem unfriendly or short, please be patient, understand that I'm having a long night or I'm very focused, and try to give me a reason to smile. Thanks.